THIS IS CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY

BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER...





SO CALL ME MAYYYYYYYYYYBE!!!





Because this song NEVER gets old - LIKE, EVERRRRRRRR!

Speaking of craaaaaaazy...I asked out a boy! A REAL LIFE BOY YOU GUYS!!! Admittedly, this is not really entirely new territory for me (some of you may know I've actually asked out 3 boys boy - in year 6, year 8 and year 12, the first two by note, the third one by email) but it IS the first time I've ever asked anyone out face to face which is quite scary, to put it mildly. It is absolutely terrifying to put yourself on the line like that, especially because he's a friend of mine and we've worked together for a few years at Oaktree. 

Let me give you the rundown: I liked this boy for more than a year - since before I left for Costa Rica (since before my 21st last year). I thought I'd gotten over him in Costa Rica (and blogged prematurely in my excitement about here) - or that I would, anyway, in the course of the time that I was away. No such luck - and let me tell you, that is the absolute longest I have ever liked anyone, ever. To be fair, it was extended by circumstance - once I got back, and we caught up, I realised I still had it for him, baaaaaad. Then, of course, he hired me back to Oaktree (as we'd discussed, and as I wanted) to work on Live Below the Line again - and he was more or less my manager. So I clearly wasn't going to ask him out while we were working together. 

Eventually, I realised (with some persuading from my friends) that this couldn't go on - I had to ask him out, or get over him. I got to the point where I just wanted closure - I wanted to know one way or the other if he liked me, or was willing to entertain the possibility. I wanted to take a chance, and to know for sure if this was something that could ever work - or at least give it a try. 

I guess I've been thinking about this for a while. Ever since I overheard a conversation between two friends I used to work with - two fabulous girls who I deeply admire were talking about how they met and ended up with the men in their lives. They were both saying how they'd had to be forward because the guys they liked were not, and one of the girls said "I'm a 'throw a guy over my shoulder' kind of girl." And I thought - that's the kind of girl I want to be. 

But more than that, I started wondering why I was just sitting around, waiting for - well, hoping for - someone to ask me out, and why I didn't take matters into my own hands. I realised that I couldn't expect someone to approach me if I wasn't willing to approach them - or anyone.

So I did it! I asked him. We met up for coffee, and at the end I asked if he'd like to go out for dinner, on a date - and he said no. He was very nice about it - said he thinks of me as a friend, more like a sister, and so on. And as I walked away, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry - I was so proud of myself for doing it, I felt elated, but I was pretty devastated that he'd said no (although I can't really say I was surprised). Thank god I was meeting up with A that night to celebrate my birthday, because it was a make or break kind of moment. And with A around, we were just super excited about my proactive awesomeness. 

And you know what? I am so, so happy I did it. Not only because I got the closure I so badly needed, but because it has empowered me. For the first time in a long time - since school, I guess - I actually feel content to be single. I'm in a really good place about it. Sure, I want to meet someone, have a relationship, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not whining and pining; I don't sit around wondering what's wrong with me, why guys won't approach me, etc etc - instead, I feel like if I am attracted to or like someone, I could approach them. And I tell you, it is an utterly liberating feeling - the world is full of possibilities that I can take advantage of. 

What is starting to bother me, though, it that a lot of friends keep asking if there are "any boys in my life" - if I have my eye on anyone, etc. Admittedly, they're usually asking in polite reply to my inquiry about the significant other in their lives, which is fine - and right now, the response is no. The expectation that I'm crushing on someone is perhaps not so unreasonable, given my frequent admiring in the past, but what I'm beginning to resent is the reaction. And I guess people don't really know how to react when I say "oh no, nothing going on in my love life." It's OK - I'm far from from sad about it. You can be happy for me that I'm not into anyone at the moment, or vice versa. I feel like people's automatic response is pity, and that's ridiculous, because it seems to imply that I can't function or can't be happy without someone else in my life. Honestly, I've never been in a better place in terms of self-acceptance and desire - I feel like I'm finally open opportunities in a way I haven't been before. 

In telling my friends about it afterwards, I realised that a lot of my friends still uphold a massive double standard in the dating world: they expect guys to ask them out, but don't expect the same of themselves. A lot of reactions from my close girlfriends were "oh wow, I could never ask a guy out." At first, I wasn't sure if they were saying that they didn't think they could, so I pressed a little harder and found out that, actually, that was something they didn't expect of themselves. Which was interesting and surprising, because I consider these girls confident, my role models. 

So, things aren't awkward between The Boy and I - at least, I don't feel like they are, which I suppose is the important thing ;) I'm not working Oaktree any more, thanks to my ridiculously hectic uni timetable, more's the pity, so we don't see each other regularly, but when we do...it's not weird.

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In unrelated news, I've been checking out my nifty Blogger audience stats, and it turns out my number 1 audience is...RUSSIA!!! I have no idea why this is, but привет and здравствуйте to my Russian readers!! (And apparently 48% of you are using Firefox, and 51% Windows. I approve. Continue as you are!)

xx
JAG