Saturday 27 August 2011

Sex and Fury

We hear constantly about men in trouble over sex. Men in trouble for not keeping their trousers zipped, for groping and harassing women, men caught out looking at pornography, or gazing at women in the wrong way. But what we never hear about is men's restraint, the remarkable stoicism of current generations of heterosexual men who cop it sweet, despite their immense frustrations.
Lust for Life, Bettina Arndt 


Yes, because men should be congratulated for being faithful, and it's completely unheard of for a woman to have a voracious sexual appetite.


Men may only have one thing on their mind (of course I wouldn't know), and may have to put up with more testosterone, therefore biologically (apparently) having a bigger libido, but that certainly does NOT justify infidelity, or give them any right to pressure women into sex. A man may have needswants, but it is not a woman's obligation - even (especially!) if she is his wife or partner - to fill them. 


Sure, a man has a right to ask, and certainly I agree that men and women in relationships need to have more discussions about this. But if a woman claimed she had "needs," would this ever be considered a justifiable reason for looking elsewhere? Of course not; she'd be considered a cheater and a slut to boot. 


Honestly, I think a long history of men being in control and therefore getting what they want (when they want it) has led to a general expectation of sex being a right in a relationship - and if you're not getting it in the relationship, then understandably, you should be looking elsewhere.


Now obviously I don't believe that all men think like this - and I actually believe that probably more women want more sex than are admitting it - or at least want better sex. But I'm sick of the idea (and excuse)  that "men have needs" and somehow can't be monogamos - or, if they are, according to Arndt they should be lauded for this act of great restraint. Clearly we're at an impasse in terms of attitudes towards sex, but it is simply not enough to give up on the discussion and say "women will never understand (us) men, they can't fathom our all-consuming needs and desires," or that it is a man's duty to be monogamos. A man does not have to be monogamos - but I expect him to be if he has entered into a relationship fully aware of that understanding. 


Clearly I have no practical experience in this area, but being (for the most part) the last virgin in a big group of girlfriends - I've heard all about wants and needs. 


I know the majority of my readership is female, and this is an age-old debate, but it simply infuriates me. Thoughts?


x
JAG

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