Monday, 29 August 2011

An Omlette + a shot of Tequila (the lunch of winners)

or VMA LIVE BLOGGING Y'ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! (yes, said just like Oprah - I'm sure you read it exactly that way.)

Because it was so much fun last time, and I'm a massive fangirl like that. 

I switch on right as they're doing pre-show Black Carpet interviews. They ask Taylor Lautner what kind of shocks (or kisses) he's going to bring to the awards ceremony this year. There's altogether far too much reference to Jersey Shore, the people and the show. 
Selena Gomez gushes over everyone she meets, but she looks so cute while she does it I forgive her. It's super awkward when she has question time with the Biebs - and he just looks so much like a girl/lesbian/that comedian I've seen on Good News Week that it freaks me out - but he kisses her sweetly at the end. 
They announce, kind of bizarrely and without any warning, the winner of the Best Video with a Message - I would be happy if either Firework (Katy Perry) or Mean (Taylor Swift) won, but Born This Way really does deserve it. Damn that's an empowering song. So be empowered, cuz baby you were born this way! 

I do not know any of the nominees for Best New Artist. I guess that's the point, but last year Lady GG won, and I'd been to her concert. prediction is none of these guys will make it big ;)
Katy Perry is escorted in by Russell Brand in a very Japanese-inspired outfit, which is cute, but kind of lame by her standards. I mean, you can't even see her boobs - not even a little bit! I know, what's with that? I'm hoping for a costume change. But she is nominated for 10 awards tonight, so surely she has to win one!!
Some guy called Kevin is hosting. Like the so-called Best New Artist contenders, I have no idea who this is. Also doomed to a future of being a nobody. 
Lady GaGa comes on dressed as Jo Calderone, and it took me much longer than it should have  to recognise her. She makes a long monologue about the real GaGa and commences with her performance of "You and I." Adele looks confused, and the Biebs less than impressed (to be honest - and I hate to admit it - but I'm kind of with him on this one.) 

Nicki Minaj comes on, looking like a Harajuku Barbie bad (and very obvious) imitation of GaGa. This is actually kind of sad, since I love some of her previous looks ("BOLD" as our friend Luan would say!!), but since GaGa was dressed like a man, I guess someone had the bring it. Jonah Hill makes a "why did the chicken cross the road" joke which leads to a statement against criticism that because he's lost weight, he isn't as funny anymore. Actually very amusing. 

They announce Best Pop Video, and of course my love lies with Last Friday Night, but Britney wins. She thanks God, and then others. Have to say I did not see that coming. 

Jay-Z and Kanye (in double denim) have a rap off. Biebs still not looking impressed, but Selena claps warmly.
John White (who? I am clearly not qualified to watch or judge this, but watch me) and Miley Cyrus, who declares a passionate love of rock, announce the Best Rock Video. I'm rooting for Mumford and Son's The Cave, but the Foo Fighters win - I guess if you've been nominated 12 times like Dave Grohl has, and you've only won twice before, you probably deserve it. 

Enter The Beastie Boys, apparently from the future, who show us their future "moves," and are consequently challenged to a dance-off by Tylor the Creator (who I only recognise from the pre-show chit-chat. I'm getting better at this!) TBB cede after a short demo from THC, who announce the Best Hip Hop Video. I just hope Chris Brown doesn't win (I don't care how good his music or videos are, he's a scumbag). My wish is granted, and Nicki Minaj wins for Superbass (pronounced like the fish by Snooki) - apparently this girl is the new shit, and I missed it. Well, that's why I watch MTV, to remind me of the important people and issues in the world. She thanks everyone at a mile minute, including God, which is getting quite the look-in tonight, and I'm sure She is as surprised as I am.

Demi Lovato - baring her boobs and showing just how far she's come from Disney and rehab, thankyouverymuch - with the all too swoonworthy Chord Overstreet, who agree that when great people work together, they produce greatness, etc. They declare Katy Perry and Kanye's collaboration on "ET (Extra Terrestrial)", which of course delights me, although I must confess, my money was on Nicki Minaj for this one, given the way she's been trending (and not just on Twitter.) 

KT and Kanye hug it out, and KT takes the mike to cheekily say "now this is the time when you want to interrupt me!" Kanye does not look pleased. KT goes on to joke "there's nothing like the first the first Moon Man!" (Kanye akwardly admits he's already got some.) KT thanks God as well. Apparently that is now the in thing to do - you can blame Nicki M for starting this trend, it seems no one wants to be called God-hating by breaking it. 

Rick Ross and Paul Rudd deliver a confusing tete-a-tete about how they constantly get confused for each other, which was funny up until Rudd's last line about being a middle manager...what?...or Ross misses his cue. In any case, there's an awkward pause before they introduce Pitbull, Ne Yo and Nayer to perform "Give Me Everything." I have to say I'm a fan of Pitbull, and the fact that he's a 30 year old bald man just makes it that much more hilarious. He, like the Biebs, is wearing some rather interesting red pants, and, like the Biebs, is not rocking them.

Katy Perry comes back onstage, with the dress change I requested earlier - she is looking purple and clad, but still far too modest. I'm not sure what's up with this. Maybe new husband RB is totes jelly, and wants to keep those bad boys all to himself. Can't say I blame him, but man, learn to share! 

She gives a short speech about how when most stars turn 21, they get up to some raucaus and embarrassing antics that they usually regret, but that when this gorgeous girl turned 21 and had her heart broken, she turned it into one of the most beautiful albums of the past year. It can only be - and is - Adele, who delivers a heartwrenching and hopeful rendition of "Someone Like You." Simply stunning. 

Before they cut to an ad break, Jessie J is singing Firework. Not sure why, when K Perry was just on stage. Deprived.

Kim K - va va voom! - is on hand to reveal Best Male Video. The choice is tough, between 4 deserving contenders and then 1: Forget You (Cee-Lo Green), All of the Lights (Kanye), Grenade (Bruno Mars), Love the Way You Lie (Eminem), and U Smile (Biebs). Guess who wins. Yep, 12 year olds everywhere represent, yo' homeboy has done it and won it. I weep a little for the industry, and the future of music. 

Biebs, however - never one to break a trend - goes one step further and thanks not only God, but Jesus too: "I won't be here without Him, he has truly blessed me." But apparently not me, or anyone with musical taste. It would seem Biebs is not in on the joke:

Joe Jonas (who doesn't appear to be aware this is a sort of a Big Deal, chose to rock up in a rather baffling and not-at-all working jeans and suit jacket combo) and Victoria Justice (WHOTF?) offer some (completely unnecessary and excessively flattering) praise of Chris Brown, who kicks off with his (frustratingly catching) Yeah x 3. This morphs into some very confusing blasts from the past (including Smells Like Teen Spirit) and then ends in "Beautiful People". There are some aerial acrobatics which aspire to be like Pink, but instead achieve the confusion and awkwardness of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. For some reason, there is a standing ovation.

Lady GaGa Jo Calderone is back (appearing to imitate the Godfather, or at the very least someone from New Jersey) to talk about how GaGa was inspired by Britney - "I used to hang posters of her on my wall and touch myself when I was in bed." (To her credit, Britney looks greatly flattered by this.) As an icon and a legend, Brit scoops up the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. There is a fast-paced dance tribute, following which Brit steps on stage to accept the award. She looks properly pleased, but precedes to be properly awkward with Jo, as they size each other up as to whether they will go for a kiss. They do, but at the last Brit bails and says "I've done that already!" 

I'm actually kind of happy for her, after all she's been through - and she deserves it, she's had an incredible influence on the industry. (Oh God. I hope the Biebs is not lining up for one of these in 10 years' time.) They segue to Beyonce, who they recognise and acknowledge as teh "triple threat" and DAMN IS SHE LOOKING FIERCE Y'ALL, in a fabulous purple sequined jacket, and totally rocking this number (Adele is rocking along with her in the audience). She announced that she is pregnant (OH GOD I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER SHE'S GOING TO BE SUCH A GREAT MOTHER!!!) by unbuttoning her jacket and rubbing her baby bump happily after the show (someone get her out of those killer heels pronto!!!) Cut to Jay-Z flipping out with happiness. 

So apparently they're just cutting out Jessie J's performances with the ad breaks, so I only get to hear the first few lines of whatever's she going to sing...from what I gather she's covering most of the nominated songs...

Selena Gomez returns (looking less glam in a silver dress) with T Lautner who announce Best New Artist. I have to say the Best DRESSED New Artist definitely goes to Wiz Khalifa, who looks proper gangsta, complete with bling (worn ironically, of course). Defs my fave. 

He turned up with Amber Rose. I guess she's not with Kanye anymore. This probably not news to anyone but me. 

Anyway, the only one I knew, Tylor the Creator, wins! Apparently this is the biggest shindig this band has ever been too, since the lead dude is wearing a tye-died t-shirt, for heaven's sake, and one of his bandmates has his jeans around his knees. Good Lord. The hippie lead dude dedicates the win to his little brother Earl, yo, and has an inspiring message for all the young homies: 
"To all the kids watching - you can do this shit...fuck the system."

Power to the people, y'all.

Zoe Saldana and Jared Leto come out to introduce a band who are so unheard of, they had to BYO fans. JOKES. Supposedly they are "emerging artists," which is just code for "you'll hear these guys once and never again. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame bros!" 

OMG it's the Jersey Shore again. Any more of this shit and I'm going to have to turn it off. This is NOT what I signed up for. They're messing around with some old woman who is not Betty White, so who cares who she is? Insert inappropriate and totally predictable jokes about sex, cue Best Female Video (seriously?? when you have nominees of this calibre, you let those Jersey Shore hos introduce them?? THEY ARE NOT WORTHY). With Adele, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Nicki M and Lady G all in the running, this could be anyone's horse, and I'd be happy for any of them to win. Well, less so Nicki, but I'd try. Maybs. 

Lady GaGa wins for Born This Way; cut to KT looking genuinely happy for her, and wearing a cube. Still no cleavage. Seriously. WTF. Adele looks gracious and gorgeous, as expected. Jo Calderone accepts on Lady G's behalf, thanking her little monsters, and finishing by saying: 
"It doesn't matter who you are -- gay, straight, lesbian, bi, transgendered -- you were born this way."

Russell Brand delivers an unexpectedly touching tribute to Amy Winehouse. He talks about first meeting her in London, when she was "daft, dopey, a little bit crazy...with a peculiar, unknowable talent." He compares her to Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald, and talks about her talent, coupled cripplingly with her disease - alcoholism and drug addiction - and how so many people have this disease, but that these is a solution. Tony Bennett also came on the stage to testify to her gift, and shows part of the duet they recorded earlier this year. I've never been a huge fan of Amy, but she is AMAZING, ain't no ifs, ands or buts about it.

To acknowledge her incredible influence and impact, Bruno Mars is on hand to perform Valerie. An admittedly unexpected choice to do justice to Amy but what a babe! He certainly has the big hair going on and knows how to rock that suave 50s look. Excuse me while I swoon.

OK I'm back, and still tapping my feet to this fun, upbeat number. Man but he busts some pretty sweet moves! A lovely and fitting tribute that is a true celebration, not a commiseration, of her life. 

So really the only reason I was watching the VMAs was to see the sneak preview of THE HUNGER GAMES movie ZOMG YOU GUYS HERE IT FINALLY IS. 

Far too short obviously, but very exciting!! Will share my thoughts on the casting soon.

Katie Holmes gives a testament to all those nominated for Video of the Year (another too-close-to-call category - Adele, Katy Perry, Tyler the Creator, Bruno Mars, Beastie Boys) AND THE WINNER IS KATYYYYYYYY PERRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! for Firework. WOOP WOOP WOOP. 

One more time y'all, just for fun. You know you love it. (And if you don't, I don't care, because I do.)

She seems geniunely stoked to win her second moon man; "I feel like I am doing something right when I sing this song."

You and me both KT. 

The show ends with Drake (he a WHITE DUDE? WHAAAAAT?) getting psyched about Lil Wayne, how prances around on stage and raps some. He takes off his shirt, revealing his pants to be halfway down his ass, and breaks a guitar. Both of these things seem completely unnecessary, but hey. 

So ends another year at the VMAs!


1 comment:

Ylime Fles said...

Now I wish I'd watched the VMAs!! I heart Firework!! WOOP WOOP!