Thursday 3 April 2008

I was bitter, but now I'm better

Thank you all and sundry, for your many kind words and reassuring sentiments, they mean so much to me. You have helped restored some of my optimism in the belief that, well, maybe it's just meant to be, that there's a reason for everything, and I just don't know what it is yet.

And there are still options. There's still hope for Rochester and Columbia. There's always exchange (which my parents are far keener on) or grad school. And in the meantime, I am happy at Melbourne and know I'm in a good place, both in terms of a university and my own life.

So thank you all for your encouragement, it's really helped me "get over it" these past few days when I've felt alone and miserable. If course, it still hurts, but that is to be expected. I just don't burst into tears any more at the thought of it...

And because my creative writing tute is next, I'm going to publish a little prose and poetry that I wrote about that "h o l y s h i t" feeling I had when I went to Hawaii last year; basically a feeling of nerves, excitement and anticipation.

***

The gate is a gathering of goodbyes. Of hugs, of teary eyes, of last advice. My father instils in me once again the importance of not losing either - or, God forbid, both - of my passports. He checks my list of emergency phone numbers that cross continents, as I will, and quizzes me on my "landing procedure." My mother reminisces about her first overseas trip alone, at the age of 24. I am but 17. Too young for many other things, but old enough to take care of myself.
Anticipation tickles my insides. I am new to this, and yet such a very old hand. I tell myself I can do this for the first time, again.

***

"Don't lose your passports,"
are my father's parting words.
"Call us when you get there.
And hide your passports."

"We'll miss you,"
my mother says,
looking as if
she might cry.

I feel the prickle of tears, too
as I walk down the boarding ramp
out of sight
onto the plane.

But independence sweeps down beside me,
gives me a fierce, bracing hug
and says
"We're in this together, you know."

I am grateful for the company
on this nine hour flight.

The whole paradox of the prose is that while I've been to Hawaii nearly every second Christmas since I was born to visit family with my parents and brother, this was (in a way) an entirely new experience, because it was by myself. Though I knew very well what I would have to do, I'd have to do it alone.

The idea of the poem is that my independence gave me courage.

***

The sky is crying.
Is someone up there sad, too,
that my dream won't come true?

Inspired by the fact that it is raining, right now, and how I've been feeling in recent days.

***

And now, to class. What a hectic life I lead.

x
Just a girl

5 comments:

jacques du'loque said...

I don't know-- I had something longer to write, but I wasn't sure how to say it.

Maybe this is close enough?

Just a girl said...

"What you can't say, you can't say
And you can't whistle it, either."
-Gwen Harwood.

Some things are better left unsaid if you can't say them.

x
Just a girl

Gabriela said...

You should keep posting things that you write, I know you write everything here, but you know what I mean.

I'm glad you're feeling better, and yeah, there's still hope. =) So that's good.

Just a girl said...

Gaby: I know what you mean. I think I will keep publishing what I what - particularly since I'm writing more now in Creative Writing - and I'm glad that you enjoy it. That makes me happy. =)

Yeah, there's still hope, it's just taken a blow. There's a quote I love, though I don't know where I heard it; "even under a dragon's flame, the lotus blooms." Or something like that. I like to think of hope like that, perservering in spite of adversity.

x
Just a girl

Z said...

college is this scary huge life changing thing, at least thats what its built up to be. parents pressure, teachers, its all around us. believe me, i know. i got to one of the top tier boarding schools in the u.s ( i am not bragging....but mocking this fact) and its everywhere. mit. yale. this schools that are built up to be everything. i was a part of that stress too. Until recent events which lead me to realize how small my desire to want to go to an ivy is. its nothing. going to an ivy---is really so small in this universe of possiblities and wonder. so ive given up trying to make myself something im not. yes, im applying to yale and princeton, but the are reach. to tell you the truth, i want to go to USC, more than anything.


what my ramblings are telling you is that your tears were wasted. this is so small. this is nothing in what will be an amazing life for you. you seem like a brilliant girl who has done everything you can, and thats all you can say to yourself at the end of the day. be proud of who you are and dont let some admissions team take that and all the cool things you've done away from you.


good luck
cordie